i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
