My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
