I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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