remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
organizing the empties. That sober.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
