i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
