the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
