I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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