True but thats because hes a fetus.
i think i have herpe
just one?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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