I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
