Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
