your parents love me but you hate me
with your own penis?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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