Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
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NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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