There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Randomize
