I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
