new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
