Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
