So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
