i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
