apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
