i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
