so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
