its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
