exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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