Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
