Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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