I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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