Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea