Cold hands, warm shart.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
