12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.