all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
