help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
