I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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