i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
