Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
