Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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