dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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