Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
