Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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