I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
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i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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