so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Is it because I queefed?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
