I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
