i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
