Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
