my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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