is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
