ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
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