@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
