im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Randomize
