The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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