Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm too high and old for this...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
