I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
