I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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