After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
