Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Randomize
