I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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