My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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