McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
