just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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