Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
