By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
