im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I need moral support for this bender
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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