I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
