Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
