I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
