she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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