he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i now understand why vodka
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
