Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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