God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Randomize
